


One in a Million

by SmokeyMelons



Category: Captain America (Movies), The Avengers (Marvel Movies), Thor (Movies)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Soulmates, Alternate Universe Soulmate's First Words, Awesome Darcy Lewis, BAMF Darcy Lewis, Darcy Lewis & Thor Friendship, Darcy Lewis Swears Alot, F/M, Multi, Post-Captain America: The Winter Soldier, Soulmate-Identifying Marks, Steve Rogers is a little shit, Women Being Awesome
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-04-04
Updated: 2015-04-04
Packaged: 2018-03-17 16:46:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,723
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3536771
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SmokeyMelons/pseuds/SmokeyMelons
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Darcy Lewis' terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day takes a turn for the unexpected when she meets her soul mates.</p>
            </blockquote>





	One in a Million

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [write love on my skin](https://archiveofourown.org/works/1835587) by [amusewithaview](https://archiveofourown.org/users/amusewithaview/pseuds/amusewithaview). 



Darcy Lewis does not deal well with surprises. Oh no she does not. Grace and aplomb have never been hers to claim. And Darcy Lewis likes to think that if she ever did meet either one of her soul mates she won't have made to much of an ass of herself in the process.

But Darcy Lewis is a realist and, based upon her soul-mates' words, resigned to what will probably two of the worst first impressions she'll ever make. And fuck-a-duck has she made some _interesting_ ones in the past.

Like the first time she ever met the freaking Man-of-Iron. She may or may not have made Stark laugh when she asked, "You know dude, I have always wanted to know, just how in the hell do you piss in that tin-can?" "And like dude, I seriously want to know," when he didn't answer right away. But hey it got her a job, and a totally kick-ass one at that.

While securing an office for herself on Stark's science levels, she may have possibly met Dr. Bruce Banner and proceeded to wonder aloud, "Has anyone ever told you, that if you wore a toga-made-of-leaves when Hulk sized, instead of purple shorts, you'd look _exactly_ like the Jolly Green Giant, except ya'know angry?" The good doctor obviously hadn't known how to respond, because he'd just calmly turned and walked away.

Her first comment to the Black Widow may have been something akin to "Damn, woman. _Dat' ass!_ " before Darcy realized exactly to who's fine-behind she was complimenting at the tower gym. But really, _fuck yeah,_ yoga pants were definitely a thing. And luckily the lethal-lady seemed to have taken it for the compliment that it was. 

When Barton, code-name Hawkeye, came to return her unfortunately-seized-and-held-hostage-by-jack-booted-government-thugs iPod, it is possible she asked, "Dude, can I grope your arms? Those are some seriously awesome arms." But to be fair it had been summertime in New Mexico and he was wearing a wife-beater and jeans. She dared any sane hetero-female not to think the same exact thing. At least she hadn't asked permission to _lick_ them out loud.

Or Thor. No, you know what, screw it. Darcy's really fucking proud of that. She _tased_ the God of Thunder and _felled_ him. Thor may have been depowered at the time, but it still totally counted.  _Grease Lightning_  was the best fucking present ever. Her Grand-dad had had excellent taste. 

Her meeting with Phil Coulson actually went surprisingly well. Darcy managed not to say anything too unfortunate, but it had more to do with Phil than anything else. The Agent _oozed_ competency, and that, you did not want to fuck with because he, in turn, could fuck your shit up.

However, the less said about her introduction to Director Fury after the events in London, the better. Mainly because it was classified so far up the government's wahzoo it would be impossible to find with out a colonoscopy. The most she could say about it, was that it had been fun. And that, if pressed, she might just confess to being a little bit in love with that man's beautiful, beautiful vocabulary.  

Although, when she ran into Sam Wilson A.K.A. The Falcon in Tony's workshop while he was waiting for new pair of wings, the phrase "Wow, you're kinda man-pretty," might have been uttered in his presence before she could stop her damn self. So yeah, Darcy has a history of saying semi-inappropriate-whatever-the-fucking-hell-springs-to-mind types of _things_ that sometimes get her into trouble.

* * *

* * *

Her Granddad Lewis was her favorite person in the whole god-damn world. He got whatever it was about Darcy Lewis that most people failed to. And when he died her freshman year of college, well she went out, got absolutely shit-faced drunk after putting him in the ground, then cried for a week.

He'd told her once, "Sweetheart how the in hell do you ever expect to meet 'em if you don't prove you've got mother-fucking titanium-alloyed lady-balls?"

Okay, so not the most appropriate thing to say to the 10 year old granddaughter you're raising when she's feeling self conscious about her soulmarks, but what-the-fuck-ever. Where else did you expect her to have learnt to cuss well enough to make a sailor blush. And she'd done it too, more than once, during New York City's Fleet Week. Some of those sailors needed to learn how to speak to a lady and not her ladies.

And she's a Lady god damn it. Thor even says so. "Lady Darcy," he calls her. So screw you, ya mother-fucking-sons-of-cluster-fucks. She's a Lady who deserves respect.

Which brings her to now. And this Hydra-Goon's attempt at kidnapping.

It's really not going very well for him. For one he's just been crotch-stomped after a solid tasering. And for two, well this stupid, muscle-bound-fuck-up seems to have been thinking with his bigger brain. The one located in his pants, but well there wasn't too much down there for her to step on. _Steroids much Hydra?_

"Mother-fucker! What the ever-loving, mother-fucking-hell is your problem? ASSHAT!" Darcy punctuates with a particularly ferocious kick. "The kidnapping thing I can kind of understand, I work for Stark. You want Intel. I get that. Going for the grope, though, UNCALLED, UNPROFESIONAL, and UNNECESSARY but most of all **MORONIC**."  

Of course the Hydra-Goon isn't really capable of listening at this point. He's too busy in the fetal position, whimpering. She kicks him once more in the ass to emphasize her point.

Today was just not her day. She'd gotten a total of nineteen hours of sleep in the last five days: Science Bender by the Scientists Three. Her favorite bra broke while she was at work and the under-wire was poking Darcy's boob viciously, even through a wad of toilet paper. She'd dropped her keys in the toilet earlier making said half-assed attempt at fixing her  brassiere and actually had to put her hand in _toilet water_ to retrieve them ( _Mother-Fucker!_ _Eww, eww eww ew ewwwww!_ ).

And then, on her way home from work after detouring down an alley towards the grocery store, this _fucker_ (three steps below cretin in her book), tries to cop-a-feel during a snatch-and-grab. No, no, no, no, NO! Bye-bye plans for groceries. Darcy is done with today. Stupid fucking alleyway short-cuts. NEVER-the-fuck-AGAIN.

At least the cavalry should be here soon. And no, she didn't mean the BAMF-ness that was Melinda May.

Avengers and Avengers-adjacent people all had panic buttons for break-glass-in-case-of-emergency situations. Jarvis was supposed to have notified the two nearest Avengers-affiliated-allies for assistance. Speaking of, she pulled out her cell phone to double check, "Jarvis, this is Darcy. It's all good now, but what's the ETA on my back-up? This princess self-rescued and I really just wanna go home now." Darcy says with a numb calm, this isn't even the first kidnapping attempt she's thwarted.

"Apologies Ms. Lewis, but it appears they have already reached you. I must say I am rather relieved to hear you remain un-harmed. Sir would be quite upset otherwise. Will that be all, Miss?" responds the Stark-spawned AI.

"Yeah. Thanks Jarvis. Tell Tony I'm _so_ not coming in tomorrow."

Looking around now, Darcy spots two rather attractive guys ten feet away at the end of the alleyway dressed like they're out for a run. Squinting, she recognizes them vaguely from around the Stark's tower. Darcy stomps over to them, all set to harangue them into speeding things along so she can just go home and crash for the next fifteen hours.

But before she can begin, the shorter, scruffier, hobo-esque looking one calls out, _**"That was some moxie, doll."**  _Words she's had located on her left collarbone her entire life. 

* * *

* * *

 James Buchanan "Bucky" Barnes was  _impressed._  

This tiny little dame, Darcy Lewis, self describe "Scientist-Wrangler-Extraordinaire," according to Jarvis, who'd taken out an assailant twice her size with out any help from him _or_ Steve while cursing a streak black and blue, looks startled for a second, before blurting out, **_"Well fuck me sexy Jesus, I never thought I'd hear those words."_   **A phrase that had stamped itself along his treasure trail since after The Fall and before the Triskelion

He must look gob-smacked. Because now, Steve is laughing at him, _"He's such a little shit,"_  Bucky thinks. And the dame, he whistles internally, does not look pleased with his best friend.  

 ** _"Son of a Friar-Tucking, son-of-a-bitch, What the fuck is your damage?"_ ** She exclaims, less than impressed with Steve's reaction.

And now it's Bucky's turn to cackle, because damn has she got a mouth on her. And Steve has had those words scrawled on his spine since defrosting. 

And Bucky knows what's coming. Steve chokes a little as his laughter dies, _**"Oh...Um,** **Wow...Soulmate?"** _ is all he manages to get out.  _R_ _e_ _ally, Steve?_ That's the best you can do? 

* * *

* * *

Okay. So, no. Just no. Those words are set inexplicably upon her right wrist. _Mother-fucking_ _God dammit._

Darcy Lewis is an Egyptian Pharaoh: King of _De-Nile_. Because, she thinks, now that she's seen them up close, she's just introduced herself _spectacularly_ to Captain American and what must be the Winter Soldier. Well cat-crap-on-toast, it does certainly help explain why her soulmarks had been cool to the touch since she could recall and have only recently warmed to normal skin-temperature. 

"You two are a hallucination. A very nice hallucination brought on by stress, sleep deprivation, and the good drugs. The _very_ good drugs. Of which I have not taken any. I am not a  _druggie_." FAIL. Just FAIL her at LIFE. She's just implied all sorts of negative about her character. Fuck it. Just really fuck it. Darcy doesn't even care at this point. 

"We are... I'm really not doing this today. Okay? I am so not drunk enough for this shit. So coffee. Next week, yeah. Good? Jarvis, you know, Jarvis yes? Jarvis can get you my fucking deets. I... just... yeah. I can't handle this now. Goodbye."

And with that Darcy shoves her way past them and out into the mean streets of New York City.

* * *

* * *

"Did that just happen?" asks a flabbergasted Bucky Barnes, situation finally, truly, hitting him.  

"Ya know Buck, I think it did," replies a still stunned Steve Rogers. 

"Huh," is all the response Bucky is capable of giving.

 

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> I left it so open ended intentionally. Someday I might write a sequel, but I have my doubts. 
> 
> Also, I have absolutely nothing against the armed services. I have a sister in the Navy and a brother looking at the Air Force. Darcy being able to out-cuss a sailor popped into my head and wouldn't leave me alone. 
> 
> If you enjoyed this fic, feel free to check out the other's I have posted.


End file.
